Saturday, November 10, 2007

Saturday night, feeling right


Sometimes I'll get drunk by myself. Sometimes when I get drunk by myself, I'll think that every single thought that I have is doctrine. Sometimes when I get drunk by myself, I'll feel this sense of urgency that I'm able to suppress during the natural occurring hours of every day. But not during this time. I have to do something before its too late; before I squander everything.

Sometimes when I get drunk by myself I'll chase my cats through the house. They love it. They love when I sneak up behind them and jump like a banshee. Their eyes get so wide and they press their paws into the ground. They stare up at me and shake, and I think if they could laugh, they would laugh. They love it. They run through the house, knocking over dishes and glasses, and they don't care. And I love them for it.

I found out that the little kitty that I thought was a girl isn't a girl. He's a male. He's been at my house for about 3 months, and I've called him 'her' so many times. I've referred to him as a 'her' so many times. That's so disrespectful. I feel so bad for doing that. I feel like I'm a shit for not knowing sooner. We all are shits for that. After I found out he was a he today, his face changed, I swear it. It became more rugged. He's still pretty as fuck, the prettiest cat in existence, but his face changed today. He looked at me a lot more. It wasn't the same when he jumped into my lap and laid his head on my thigh. I didn't stroke the spot between his ears and soothe him to sleep like I used to. I still let him sleep on me, and it ruled, but today I let him exist in a way that I didn't before. It's weird, but I know that he knew all about it.


I met this girl in a bar about two weeks ago. I don't meet too many girls in bars. I go to a lot of bars, but I don't do that kind of thing. I go to bars and I drink; I don't go to bars and meet girls. But I did meet this one about two weeks ago. I don't remember how I met her. I was just standing at a table while everyone I was with was buying shots for themselves. I didn't buy shots for myself because I was really poor, and I was enjoying the Morrissey song that was playing over the PA, even though I really don't like Morrissey too much anymore. She stood next to me and told me that she was friends with one of the girls that I was there with. I thought it was pretty interesting. I thought she might be pretty interesting; a girl that would approach a guy like me I thought would at least be interesting. She wasn't interesting. After the opening exchange, I was forced to carry the conversation. She just stopped. She didn't ask about my likes, dislikes; she didn't ask me anything about myself. She didn't tell me anything about herself, either. And that was the kicker. I was put in the positon that I never put myself in. I never approach girls with the intentions of getting their numbers. That's just not how I do things when I'm at bars. Maybe my dick is lazy. But I was put in that positon. She expected me to carry the conversation after she approached me. She expected me to ask about her and to tell her about myself. I wasn't into it, but I did it anyway to avoid a completely catastrophic encounter. I sipped my electric drink a couple of times. I asked where she was from and what she was studying. I told her where I was from and what I was studying. I told her about my bands and about Johnstown. I asked her what kind of music she liked and she told me 'anything'. I didn't talk much after that. I got her phone number before I left, I'm not sure that it wasn't out of some sort of rudimentary pity for her ice breaking gesture, I don't know. Her name was Whitney. I really liked that name. A girl named Whitney I thought would have more to talk about than what Whitney talked about. I told her I would call her. And I never will. Even despite my loneliness.


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