Monday, November 3, 2008

Red flashed on the monitor
Concerning me
It was nothing, he said
"It always does that"

Blue walls surrounded our fears
Silver door handles
White window blinds

My mother looked at me
Half smiled, tears welled in her eyes
I grabbed her shaking hand
She pulled away

A doctor came into the room
Said few words
Looked concerned
Tried to muster a smile
He shook our hands
I hoped it wouldn't be the last time

I tried to imagine a liver
And what one might look like
Clustered with tumors
Large, obtrusive

His skin was yellow
My favorite color
I vowed to find a new one
He wore blue gloves in August
Layered socks
Shivered in the sun
Nurses wore colorful scrubs
I wished they were black
Like my grandfathers cancer

His Will and Testament
It looked up at me
Evidence of his preparation for death
White paper
Black words
None of it made sense
Too much grey

I bit my nails down to the quick
Red blood pushed through pink skin

His monitor made loud
Warning sounds

Harsh florescent lights burned my eyes
I put both feet on the floor
Lead, weighted

Nurses rushed in
"Unbend your arm Mr.Obenreder"
The alarm ceased
I exhaled

Hard chairs numbed our backsides
I wanted to numb my heart
Exhausted I made a break for coffee
He smiled
"I'll be here when you get back"

I don't pray
I prayed
Collapsed in the elevator
I pulled myself up
Walked into the cafeteria
It smelt of rotting flesh and vinegar

I Stirred my coffee
My coffee turned cold
What time is it?
I dropped the caramel color liquid into the garbage
And bought a soda
Cold, from a machine

It hummed
I shivered

It was the carbonation that finally brought tears to my eyes
Or at least
That's what I told myself

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