i just keep talking...

i woke up this morning having lost all sense of closure. last night was supposed to be fun - i know i can make things more "lofty" than they are. i know no one wants to hear about "revolution" and "action" and all that stuff anymore. i don't know if anyone ever really did. you kind of make it sound like no one ever really did.

last night was supposed to be fun. but it wasn't, was it? it was horrible. it was uncomfortable. it was drunken and probably better left unsaid. some of things you said to me were more hurtful than i would have thought. i might be paranoid, but you told me i was right to be this time. even so, i was surprised by how much it hurt to hear some of those words out loud.

i know i can make things more "lofty" than they are. i know it was too much to ask of last night - to make it my one-last-redemption-shot, to make it make me or break me. but that's what i did, i guess. just the night before, i decided i was going to change it all just by being kind. i called my parents just to say "hello." i called a friend and told him i was thinking about him. i decided to start writing letters: one of them was coming your way. it still might. i don't know. this one doesn't count, though.

i know no one wants to hear about "revolution" and "action" and all that stuff anymore. that's not what these letters were going to be about. don't worry. they weren't going to be about anything in particular. i just wanted to have something from my friends - correspondence like you see on PBS documentaries - a black and white picture of me while a voice-over reads your words to the sound of a violin. the narrator would say, "it wasn't all about 'revolution' and 'action' all the time." maybe they'd interview me, an old man against a white background saying, "we didn't talk about those sorts of things."

i don't know if anyone ever really did. i don't know if i ever really did - talk about "those sorts of things" that is. i mean, i talk. i talk alot. but a lot of the time, i'm saying what i think you want to hear - what i think you think i should say. last night, in spite of all my paranoia, you proved me absolutely right. you were kind enough to not leave angry, and i was so sad that that's all i wanted. so everything wrapped up pretty quickly. i thought we all thought about friendship first, everything second.

you kind of make it sound like no one ever really did.

i woke up this morning having lost all sense of closure.