Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Yeah, I feel that way too.

However, I'm drunk at the moment. Which is and isn't embarassing or important. The important thing is, I've said FUCK YOU to my exam tomorrow.

It should be noted that I have a 3.54 GPA, and that up until now, I've used my career/grades/achievements to define who I was in my own mind. This IS a big deal in this little world.

MIOF blog was/is my little outlet. My reminder. I don't take my art too seriously, and I don't ever expect to. But it's nice, you know? To try. To expriment. To remember. To forget. To feel, really, anything other than something formulated, expected. I don't describe myself as an artist, but you know, I don't think there is any harm in developing. I thought I killed creativity a long time ago, but I'm trying again. I think there might be something admirable in that. It's hard for me, it really is. I don't know when or where the fear originated, but it did and now I deal with it. It's crippling.

I tried a project. That's a big step for me. It may or may have not failed. I tried collaborating. I thought the dynamic was perfect. I don't think it is anymore. It breaks my heart I think. We'll see.

Most days these days, I'm happy. I'm trying. I'm being my own, which is something that women talk about quite a bit, but it's liberating. It is. I've tied myself to something or someone for so long, used it as a crutch. Now, there's just me, and I have to work with that. And... it's scary and it's new and it's hard and sometimes, I'd love to give up, but I'm not. And I think that's something.

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