Tuesday, October 28, 2008

*Daydreams and Nightmares*

Do you ever sit and wonder what the hell you've gotten yourself into?

How can a person be married yet be so utterly lonely? How can a person have so much to say but nobody to say it to? How can a person give so much love but get nothing in return?

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

Am I allowed to feel this way? Am I allowed to write these desperate cries from my dying soul?

I don't think listening to Staind's "Epiphany" and "Outside" are helping me at all...but their lyrics speak to me in a way that I'd never be able to explain...Thank you for your amazing music **********************************************************************************

My mind is a huge clutter fuck right now...A million random thoughts, speeding around every fiber of my body, trying to get out through my trembling hands as I type.

Why are these desperate tears escaping from my eyes? Am I finally at the low I have been trying so hard to avoid? Is this where I tell her that I'm dying inside, to allow her to see me at my most vulnerable? It's a double edged sword...Am I willing to risk it all with the numbing fear that it will change nothing? Not Yet...I can't do that to myself right now.

I just want to let go of all my inhibitions and cry and be held for ONCE. To close my eyes and drift away to her soft but firm touch on the back of my shoulders. A starless universe created simply by the warmth of her lips on my neck.

Back to reality...No matter how much I cry for help, she will not answer...nobody will. So I smile and try to live through another day...alone

Is there a tomorrow worth waking up to?

Can you hear me?



My Idea of Fun said...

i can hear you. i can especially here this part: "A starless universe created simply by the warmth of her lips on my neck."

that's got a really great sound to it.

i hope this is fiction!

My Idea of Fun said...

some people just can't be happy without trying. I'm pretty sure thats how i am. I'm just a negative person, and it's not fair to anyone around me. Sometimes I have to wake up and say to myself I have to be nice today because if i don't it just brings me down even more.
i fight with whether or not to call it quits all the time. Maybe thats how relationships are supposed to be? If last night he can say I'm doing all the things i'm "supposed" to be doing and things are "great" then i know things will go smooth enough for me to be happy enough.
I have no advice for you, but we're not alone.