The Last Year of Life

Day 26. Bed. 10:34AM
I woke up got drunk with jack. a lot of it, started thining about all that I had lost its been a lot too much for one guy to handle, a love a love so strong but its gonenow and twisted into some haunting sycophant that doesn’t know her own name - tells me when she kills herself it will be because of me, a mother who cant get through a sentence without worrying you too off of the hook – your father isn’t doing well why can’t you get married why can’t you why can’t you why can’t you, a nothing that you go home to, a nothing at all that you can look forward to except your daydreams and doing the just dreams during the hours when you are supposed to be conscious. I wonder how I look today I wonder if anytone will notice me today, I wonder if anyone witll take note that I am trying to have a good time with them??? I hope they do because I am lonely and I cant stand too many nights where I don’t curl up with someone else or something else I get drunk by myself and I don’t have any fun any more. I need something more. Because my time is ending. And I am afraid and I am afraid and I am afraidaafraidafraid afariad I am afraid. I am afraid to die.