woke up this morning, immediately tallied all of the bad things. all of the things i fucked up, wished were different, have no control over. like, for example, the death of his mother and the absence of love in his now cold life. what am i supposed to do? i gave him all i got, i swear i did. and eventhough he was a liar and he fucked other people, i just wanna keep on giving.
go ahead. you can ask me. "is it about the loneliness?"
well. i'm lonely. yeah. but...i think i've never felt safer. and also loneliness is really the only thing i can comprehend. like, relationships....actually admitting that another person really exists and thinks thoughts and has feelings, WTF? that's too much for the everyday living that we're supposedly supposed to be doing.
"yeah, well. what's it about, then?"
not sure i guess. maybe it's just the time. the time that he was in my days, everyday. waking up and falling asleep next to the same person for one year of your life is the best thing i've ever done. i could go on and on with all the things that were wrong, i could. i know i could. i could tell you why i'm better off, and
why i'm "more deserving" some friends say.
but i feel as this love for this particular monster is engrained. maybe even like
the woods. like the sap of the living trees. dead ones' sap remains as well. there's no way to be sure whether this love is living or dying or alive and dead at the same time. that seems more right i think.
anyway...i want to peg this feeling, this swelling and depleting force that sits inside and has a quiet voice but a steady perserverance. i want to know what it means
and i want to heal his heart. fuck i want to make him pure...he's so lost, he's so fucking lost and i find it hard to believe that there's nothing i can do.
i guess i'm just hesitant, i mean, about the way it'll crush me...seeing him, and holding him, and telling him it will all be alright when everytime he told me it was alright, it was a lie.
unequality. who ever told me that my life wasn't meant to just be the giver and never the taker?
prove me wrong. i'll probably just cry.