here's the thing about him. or me. i guess.

he's changing my life. and i'm allowing it because...i want to think about something else. it won't go too far or get too hard, i know this. sexual tension isn't really that big of a deal to me. it comes and goes. but what stays is this strangeness, this
"i don't know what you see in her, max. i guess she does have something that you can't quite put your finger on..." kind of deal. all i can really say is that it's an adventure, spending time with him. weird people come into my house and terribly unreal instances fall into my lap. yesterday, this was the day we had, we had:

-made macaroni and cheese and smoked a bowl. a tinfoil bowl.
-a girl in my class was kind of making fun of me and i just kept looking at her.
not saying a word.
-came home and cleaned the house. we did some drugs.
-his friend came over. he had a shotgun and i said "can i shoot it?" and
we went out back and the boys showed me how to shoot it and i shot a huge
hole in the ground and felt great.
-made a tuna fish sandwich for dinner with lettuce and tomato and dill and onion.
-he said to me later, "we should burn this rug." and i knew that it was finally
time to burn it and let go. my ex-boyfriend had the rug for most of his life.
i'm pretty sure he didn't want it anymore and in my mind it became a ceremony.
i brought my video camera and almost wished i was alone for the burning, but
when i looked at all my friends, i felt so small and quiet and special. they
didn't know what i was feeling, but it was okay for some reason.
-he said the most perfect thing and all i could do was smile. sometimes that's
all i can ever do with him.
-went to his friend's house and cleaned it up for drugs. some bud, an aderal, and a
klonopin (that's a funny word i don't know how to spell.)i had to change a bunny's
litter box. i took pictures of it. i'll show you later. i never asked it's name.
-traveled onto one of his friends house. to borrow an appliance. i met a girl who
graduated from the same highschool as will smith. we talked about will for a while.
-was told by his friend how lucky he is to have someone like me in his life. he said,
"i tell him all the time, too." hmm.
-smoked a bowl. was offered a bump and i said "what's a bump?" and they showed me
the neatly cut lines and i said "no thanks" and they kept pressuring me and then
he said "no she's never done it. she always turns it down. leave her alone."
-went back home and cleaned up the house with a shop vac. his brother helped a lot.
for no reason at all. his brother did a lot of coke beforehand.

this is my new life. part of it, anyway. i don't want anyone to be worried about me because it's my life and i'm not going downhill. i am telling you now: i am not going downhill. please trust me. and continue to love me. i love you.

it's just that...i'm back on my feet again...and i'm alone. and that's just fine.