it's almost midnight. i will go home tomorrow in a dark red rusty car with vanilla air freshener and fake flowers hanging from the rear view. i don't want to use those hip words, or for people to think that i want them to see me any certain way. i suppose i do in a sense. but i don't think i want it to be anything specific...if anything a neverending possibility of who i could be...but you're always pretty damn sure you're right. like trust, ya know? i always ask people: "do you trust me?" they usually say yes. and if they do, i say "good. you should" and try to to half smile/half serious present myself...formulaic? sometimes. but i guess i say that because i trust myself. with you. with the collective you. who knows what i could do or how crazy i could get? changing days end up doing that to us...but, for what i know and i'd like to know and truly trust...you can trust me.
anyways, new years will come soon. we'll all be having our sorta serious new years thoughts and get sad probably...or slightly proud but still sad...or really fucking sad. i'm hoping for a newyearssadness i've never experienced. i'm assuming it will be really fucking sad and sort of fucking proud...or at least....more...inhabited. i suppose if anything i'm glad i leapt. i'm glad i fell into that disgusting, lonely, terrifying dark pit. i'm glad i fell into that sorry bed of *those little white flowers with the black thing in the middle that fill sides of highways and fields alike* yes those. but the way it left me is something i don't yet understand. feels strange and cold but i know i'm not done.
speaking in accents and wearing aprons and throwing things at people when they are not expecting them.
i hope that i've somewhat startled my environment.
i'll call ya'll group of people "folks." thank you, folks.