Friday, February 29, 2008

I didn't miss this place at all.

What should I be feeling? Accomplished? Regretful? Proud? Ashamed? Content? I feel awful. I feel torn to shreds. I feel abandoned. I feel naive. I saw it coming, both of them, but I avoided it. And look at how many bridges I had to burn to get here and now I've got no way back. I became hateful and spited everyone just to fuel my rage. Then i became perfect and caring and devoted. Both failed. If I'd just been myself, I would've fucked up. What's the point in dedication if it justs blows up in your face anyway? I fucking gave it my everything. I put my entire heart and soul and body into it and it failed me. Finally, I know what it's like to love someone so much that it hurts and to be so scared of what tomorrow brings because tomorrow might bring only more distance and with more distance comes less hope. What happens when the only thing keeping you alive doesn't want you around anymore?


My Idea of Fun said...

I hate quoting movies, but "Why do we fall, Master Bruce?"

"I don't know Alfred"

"To pick ourselves up again."

You can't put on an act and expect it to pay off. Sure, it gives immediate closure, but you shouldn't be afraid to be exactly who you are (whoever you are.)

So were there two women (or men) in your life? These situations happen to people everyday, and it's not hard to get caught up in them. If you are who you are, you definitely fuck up alot, but at the same time, at least you know that you aren't pretending.

I always thought myself such a prince charming through years, and that women wouldn't want to date me because i'm the marrying type... (that or i'm not good enough.) Regardless, I realized that i'm as fallible as anyone this past year. I actually cheated on someone, which is cruel, and everyone's done it to someone, so it's like second nature.

I came out of it with a very serious realization. I realized that I expected way too much out of myself as a person, and that it's been filling me with anxiety.
That's what acts do.

So you could have some serious trouble with this whole spouse issue for a while, but just realize that it's just another impermanent stage in life. I'm sure that you'll pick yourself back up if you want to.

My Idea of Fun said...

okay. whenever the only person keeping you alive goes are going to die obviously. so let that part die. we're like the trees, man. shit'll grow back again. seriously.

as for this:

"I came out of it with a very serious realization. I realized that I expected way too much out of myself as a person, and that it's been filling me with anxiety."

wow. anxiety. how are you going to handle that? why didn't we all just think of this before? let's just not expect anything good from ourselves from now on and dance in our own shit!

(i'm usually not this angry in real life or even on this wonderful website...but seriously...come on. do you really feel this way?)

My Idea of Fun said...

Don't be a smartass, it isn't becoming on you.

Obviously I didn't mean that you should just do shitty things all the time, simply that people fuck up. Everyone fucks up, everyone feels remorse from it, and rather than wallow in it, take responsibility for your actions, and move on.

Your anger is contrived from a statement you took out of context... I'm only trying to help.

My Idea of Fun said...

yeah yo. i agree. i wasn't really angry. i said i had anger but that was kind of an embellishment. i think i was mostly upset by the "expecting too much" from oneself. yeah.