Saturday, March 1, 2008

Rant... if you don't feel like reading baggage, move to the next post.

Life never gets better. It's just always constant turmoil, and you never have the time to sit back and stop worrying about anything. It's driving me fucking crazy, how lonely and pathetic I feel alot of the time. It's like there's no real way to move onto something better right now, I'm just stuck where I am.

I think that the better looking people are, the more compelling their love lives can be. For me, there's always this stigma that any girl I try to talk to could never really love me because of the way that I look, and so I pretend my damndest not to care at all. I want to move forward with creating, but I'm well enough in debt already to not be able to move forward with a clean conscience to even functionally be able to play live; I've tried, and I've still got nothing.

I have songs written, I really do, but I could never get out exactly what I want out of them in the limited time I have playing, and I still feel like my playing's inconsequential... like it doesn't matter if the chords i'm striking are there or not.

I think that the ultimate solution would be to find a way to just leave it, and start a new. I know you can't run from your problems, but i've got this dream right now about working on an organic farm with this girl that lives beneath me. From there, we could learn, and have the qualifications to go work on these farms all around America. Immigrant work... I imagine the hard labor, and shit pay. I imagine myself feeling like I've accomplished a ton more than I previously had, and I sleep really well each night.

If I couldn't do this, I imagine i'll try to go back to my original plan in schooling, although coming home to Johnstown sounds nice too. I was considering picking up the family trade even... it's honest work, and I could find myself happy doing it i'm sure. Plus I need that scene in my soul. For all the baggage that I have with you fuckos... all the times that we've fought, and we've loved, and felt bitter resentment, and felt unique connections... it's the only situation I can think of where I can safely say that the good far outweighed the bad in my life.

I miss you. I miss being 17.

So what I really need...

1. A plan
2. A system to play out of
3. To know that I could really be comfortable with someone, and not have to feel anxiety at every second that it must not be right.
4. Complete and total separation from any family.
5. A Johnstown without any family.

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