A Year's Worth of Journal Excerpts

By Emmy Volkar

October 16
as in the type of males she lets into our house...are ones that like to make derrogatory comments and spill noodles all over the carpet and don't clean it up and eat my LAST SNAKPAK BUTTERSCOTCH PUDDING!!!!! That was a splurge item for me, and some fucko had to eat my last one. Some prick that she didn't even know!!!!
PEAESS: YELLOW(NOW BLUE) HOUSE SHOW THIS THURSDAY AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO DO BECAUSE ENDLESS MIKE IS ALSO PLAYING AT THE BROWN AND THAT GUY FROM HELLRAISER IS PUTTING ON A ONE MAN ACT WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO?a?fa?fd?as?fdA/sdfasd?fAS SOMEONE DECIDE FOR ME.

THANSK


November 2
i withdrew from my bible as lit class today and flew a 62 inch dragon kite that never got up in the air. .........
that part was sad,

but withdrawing from my bible class was happy.



various good souls tried to help us fly it.
didn't work.



that's okay....i'll save that for water and its shore.



i wanna go to:
canada
the beach
russia



i work at subs n suds now...
pretty ridiculous...

last night at work all the dudes were talking about eating girls out when they are "on their rag"
that was......nice.


uhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


shits getting together.

i like stealing change from reed when he leaves it on the floor of my room.



November 3
so good.
it should have been fucking required for the whole school to attend.
i pray that someday this will happen.


be well, friends.


assess everything.



November 13
This weekend, we drank franzia and smoked out of the steamroller and danced in a strobe light for about 30 minutes. We danced to a bunch of 50s girl band songs and by the end of the night everyone was freaking out except for kim and i. Kendra had a pounding headache and waS turned away, hillary was sleeping, alex was god knows where, bill was crouched in a corner, reed had his ears covered and was wearing some type of hat and crouched on the futon, and ryan was saying that the song we were singing to was the gayest one ever created. i put "eve of destruction" on and kim and i were literally SCREAMING it and jumping around and i looked at everyone and how tripped out they were and collapsed on the ground and couldn't stop laughing.
i love everyone so much.



November 14
things are scary,....ideas are scary...future situations that i make up in my head are scary and seem like they would really hurt...
but i also really believe that we don't need to hold onto anyhting at all.


something just feel good to sit in a room with and appreciate and sometimes it's good to allow something to affect you....


it's okay. just try it out.
you'll live.
or you'll die.
but probably live.



November 19
I am in a quiet room, besides eliot smith singing. no light is on but the computer screen and the fading sun.
I am being loved and last night everyone from Indiana was there...and bands played,
and boys punched, and were made to leave,
and we left in a car
to drive on some back roads
and smoke.
smoke?
we came back and kendra was mopping up some liquor.




November 23
Took a nice walk the next day with the brothersbonnet.
I must have still been high because everything was like a dream.
The colors, the bottles, the birds, the deer, the pine trees. I want to take a walk through the wilderness. At home. at here. I am (home) " " now.
Where are there good places, who wants to take another walk? For hours.
Bundle up in scarves and hats and mats andddddd CATSSSSSSSS.

I showed Dad and Kathy a picture of Reed tonight and they said he looked like Jeff Goldblum. I thought that was sweet because Jeff G. is totally sweet and weird and attractive, but I am not sure if they thought that was a good thing.



November 27
guh.

it feels good to sit in a quiet house with a hollographic fireplace all day writing papers and watching useless tv and hearing a deaf cat meow.












a;lskdfja;lkajljrelkjaweoirjaweirjawerja
i want to go on a dusk walk.




November 29
I don't want to fear chaos or messy lives or sadness or anger or cruelty.
Placed upon me. or Dished out by me.



December 2
what it (IT) comes down to is people not being any one way, and not really knowing themselves at all.
and then others come into the picture. and there are problems. why? because we don't even know what we want.
and then we think we know what others want.
i guess what i want to do is just trust that i know nothing about anything and be happy and okay with that, because it's exciting. right? yeah, i think so.

it's a BLUSTERY day. i found a nest. bird's i tried to put my hand in it/the nest was too tiny.

there were remnants of eggshells.



December 5
i love cold weather and cold friends and outside time hugs and tiny tiny snow flicks andddddddddd blusteryyyyyy weather and inside soup makin and spicey burittos with orange juice to cool your mouth down and identity poems read by your entire class. and the feeeeling like you just wanna hug all of them.



December 6
IAMATOURIST. I can't help it. Please don't judge me.




There is so much judgement.



December 7
although i've been absent many times, he told me that it doesn't even matter....because,
well...

"you care, emmy."


it's nice. to have someone care that i care.


let's all care, k?



i'm going to move my computer.


goodbye.

: )



December 8
if this isn't wonderful, i don't know what is.



i need to read some kurt vonnegut again.



December 12
i've already finshed lots of christmas presents. i hope no one minds that i'm not buying them anything this year...just making. i know that's always a problem when it comes to my dad. he'll take what i make him, but he never really wants it.



December 13
OTHERWISE, DONE, SUCKASSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SDJ;AJLKSDFJAL;KSDF

ASDKL;FJA;LSKFJLA;SDFJA

ASDYAL;KJAL
A
JASDLFJAS;LJ



December 14
i need another haircut. just a trim in the back.


i found a shiny twig today. fake. gold. christmassy. was nice. twas. nice.

found my yellow butterfly necklace today i bought from a man on a hill with a corn field and some cows.
i wonder where he got it.

i like to stare at people when they are staring at me.



December 15
pure gold.


so...of course i went on ebay and bought the shit out of it (well, i bidded on it, anyway) the seller is in australia.
i hope i get it before i leave for break.


how long does it take to ship shit from another continent?

hmmph

EITHER WAY, I'M FUCKING EXCITED.



December 16
1.) i like to collect little figurines. doesn't really matter of what. i'm into minatures. you probably already knew that.

2.) if i would have been a boy, my parents would have named me BLAZE. i missed the boat on that one.

3.) i don't try that hard at school

4.) rice and smoothies are my favorite foods.

5.) one time i microwaved a fish i won from a fair because we didn't have any cat food for my cat, heidi. she ate it.

6.) i occasionally shoplift.



December 18
i only made like, five christmas presents so far.



question. if you win a bid on ebay, can you jsut not pay for it? if so, what happens?



huh. gootta go.



December 19
yush. haha.


i feel full.



December 24
i just spent a few hours on the phone attempting to prove to myself that i need to be alone.
and that it is stupid and wrong to accept someone as they are...because then...how do you know you're getting what you want?
and i kept going thru this in my head and ONLY TRUSTING MYSELF....which i'm finding is something you really can't do in a relationship if you actually want to connect with someone.
i've been putting dill on everything lately as a sidenote.



December 28
i miss the days of a thicker brittany murphy...clueless. she is so fucking cute in that movie.
this is probably the fifth time i've watched clueless on bravo since i've been home.
it is lightly snowing outside.
leslie's home finally.
i'm enjoying my family.
tooter's coming back to indiana with me. i'm really excited about that.
just me and toot scoot in that big six bedroom house. i can't wait.



January 7
Tooter died.
The burial was really nice. Funerals are theraputic. It was sad for a lot of reasons....
I was excited to have a little buddy around that big old house
Tooter has been in my life for as long as a can remember
She was the last thing my whole family had in common

I finally cleaned out all the rest of her stuff today. It was pretty sad. I miss my little Toot Scoot.

Reed and I buried her in his backyard along with his other kitties who've passed...so now...no matter what happens with Reed and I...he'll always be a part of my family. My mom said that to me just now.

The Stand is on television. I love that movie.
It was a great show last night at Chevy Chase...lots of ego, lots of insecurity, lots of misunderstaning....the usual atmosphere. But I've grown to love it, and love those things in myself...sort of.
Good party at Cian's last night. Met some nice people, played with kitties, smoked a lot of pot, watched a cat in heat try to make love to Kendra's back and Reed's head.
I'm looking forward to me and Kim's birthday party. Finally everyone will be of age, so there won't be as much fear of the po. I wish I didn't hate the po sometimes.
Some po came up to me last night in Sheetz. I was incidentally dressed like a homeless person (Attempted to layer as to stay warm) and he came up to Kim and I and treated us really strangely...staring at us like we should tell him we were terrorists or some shit...and told us we looked young and asked to see Kim's ID.
I mean...I honestly don't think he was doing it for any other reason than to fuck with us. And this great, deep rooted distrust for the po goes on and on and on and on inside of me. OH well



January 18
In an email, a friend just sent this to me:


ps always open your heart. you're berry good at that you know and never stop

demo:

<3 = closer
< 3 = open = more things can go in



January 29
What a cool dude. He also tried to sell Reed a turntable.



February 6
SO KIM AND I BOUGHT THE TICKETS FOR SPAIN TODAY. WE'RE GOIN WOWTOWWOHTOWTHWOTHWOTHWOTHALSEJRAW;LEFJA;LDKFJASDLFJASDFAJS YAAAAAAAAAAA!!! BAZOOOOOOOOM!!!!!



February 9
I found this in my old journal from freshman year. I just realized how weird it is to document one's life. And then, to look back on it. I feel weird. Only one thing is the same. I work at the Stapleton library. Anyway, Enjoy.



February 17
I swam in a public pool one day and said "fuck it. let's cut it off" and we did. and i went to sunny rocky mountain high with a buzzed head and a sunburn and felt pretty good while being there.



March 10
today, at the jonnet flea market i picked up a button that said "I'm Down with Down" and I realize now that that's pretty much how I feel about everything.



March 14
oh shitttttttt america's funniest home videos is on THANK GOD.



March 31
I didn't have my keys and he didn't know where I was because I didn't tell him. I sometimes ruin things on purpose, I think---like potentially enjoyable concerts. Or teen centers in 8th grade. I didn't really know how to deal with my dad crying to me about his troubles. I didn't know how to be okay with the fact that Bryan Cook didn't want to dance with me and my friends had to force him to.

My friends got mad at me for always crying, and rightly so. They were just kids too.


Anyway, I don't think much has changed.




July 17
we decided that when you die nothing hurts and you can choose to do whatever you wanted to do, and that he probably woulnd't have done the things he did to hurt me because he wouldn't have hurt either. ever. and i understood that.
we decided that in death we would sit on the couch and watch twin peaks all day and drink pbr and eat subs n suds and smoke pot and dance and draw pictures and write books and put on plays and that twin peaks would have had a third season, and then another season after that....and it would go on forever.
no matter how bad or good i get at being honest to myself, i think i've made a pact and now it will never leave me alone and i have a friend for life for sure.




July 19
i'm ready for a relaxing time of it.




July 6
there will be four people i have never met in my house doing mushrooms tonight.
max's eyes are all puffed up. maybe allergies. i cleaned up some of his puke today and he loves sleeping on my bed and i love him sleeping on my bed too i just wish he didn't smell like such a dog.




August 1
won use of the car for the night in texas hold em.
mom told me not to smoke or drink anything.
i smoked weed.




August 7
i think i'd rather it see it clear and cry for days and tear apart canvas and braid it all together to make a rug all different colors out of this hurt. i wish i could do that and it would all come out in different colors.
it will
i just don't know when.

either way i don't regret a fucking thing.
and that does feel pretty okay.




August 8
i thought i saw that dumb slut in the library today. but i don't think it was her...and it's weird...what would i have done, really...if it had been her? definitely would have said something...like,

"i don't hate you, but i hate you, but i don't want to. do you know how much you've hurt me?"


yeah. something like that.




August 9
i fucking love you, you piece of shit.



August 16
love is nothing. nothing is love. everything is just labels we place upon it.
am i giving up?
yes. fuck you. i am.

there is nothing.




August 17
i am filled with hate and anger.
nothing else.
i am a balloon full of sand, not letting the wind move it in any other direction because i am too heavy and too involved in my own mess to want to see anything else in the world.




August 21
i'm up for it. living alone and buying groceries and thinking of harvey pekar and how happy he makes me because he can talk about how lonely he is and somehow it makes it all okay.

i think i might look like an english person today.




August 22
made me want to move on in a way...
so i can pick reed up from an airport in some odd years, maybe 5....and he will tell me of all his adventures and how much he's learned and how wonderful the whole world is and we'll have some beers and take a walk to the highest hill of his hometown....




August 26
TOMORROW: LIBRARY AND DINOSAURS.

LEONARD: WHERE PARTICULAR PEOPLE CONGREGATE.

LOVE: ALL FILLED UP BY, AND ALL WHISKED OUT OF SIGHT.

LETTING GO: GO AHEAD.

I MISS YOU: SIMPLE. ALREADY. ONLY.

CLOTHING: RED AND GRAY AND NAVY BLUE.



August 27
i managed to be strong.

i did it.

and the night was a beautiful one.


sadness isn't so horrible.




September 7
i feel continually let down by pointless conversation.
yes, i am bored.
no, i don't want to hear about "things" right now.
tell me everything.
everything.
everything.
(anyone)




September 19
we'll see.

until then,

it's the last night of the world. enjoy it, babies.





September 28
i walked to 531 last night listening to a nice song and looked at all the leaves. stopped to pick them up and inhale deeply. they were wet. it didn't matter. i saw the electricity in the lower atmosphere and in the high high sky. it looked great together and i said to myself: your life isn't supposed to be plot-driven.

everything is still moving. when leaves blow, it's certainly best. people just don't get it...we're so weak. and when we're not, we're just lying to ourselves.

and, it could be great.
also couldn't be.



September 30
i don't know what to say.


mom always wants me to do experiments.


settle down emmy. just settle down.

i think i can.
i think i can.


October 17
I keep on believing it never happened.
His old best friend called me and asked if I "wanted any green?"
Hmmph. I said, "yes" eventhough I don't want any.
Wake the fuck up.