(this is how my brain functions before i go ahead and get my energy balanced and whatnot.) here in the doctor's office waiting room, the air has that not...natural air-conditioned smell. i just finished the queen mother cup of all queen mother coffees. and i mean it. this shit was fabulous like something crazy. my left bicep muscle, which is exposed in my sweater-vest, just twitched a bit. my hands smell like fruit. i guess i'm nervous.
i'm not moving, but everything else is.
all of the sudden, i once again have very high hopes for myself. a new camera, Brooklyn and Sacramento, prettier hair and face, success in college. hopes/dreams. either/or. my favorite elliott smith.
the first mix CD i made for you for this package is being played. oh, it sounds real good. "without life, love goes on and on." i'm telling you anything random!
my mom has been a royal mess lately. i know why, yeah.
#1. her oldest daughter is going 6000 miles away in exactly one week. #2. it's like family tradition to go crazy.
carol anne and her son killed themselves the same way. grandpa's family is fucked up beyond words. grandma never sleeps. bi-polar, manic-depressive shit. dad's side is the same. uncle charlie fell asleep in snow on purpose. he wanted out, too. but he was saved. okay.
anyway, mom and i both went crazy together almost. my grandma cried, grandpa cried and told deep secrets, very over-whelming. but so fucking safe. i guess it was like me wanting to fall asleep in the snow, but i was saved.
now there's the holy mother between my breasts. just dangling there.
this is such a bad book!
i'll tell you more things you dont want to hear:
i really like you. or that ghost inside of me does. you know? i'm alone around crowds of people. even in disney world or at the beach. i felt the opposite of lonely with you, though. both times. for the whole sum of 6 days. haha. i dont know. i just want to meet more people, places and things that make me feel the opposite of lonely.
"i want to drink what they spill."
cara, my little sister, reads quickly.
what would happen if birds started walking more than flying?
taking a break now to eat a mango nectarine...
i'm just going to end this letter now. i'm sure you've had enough. i wont proof-read, because if i do, i'll rip this up entirely. so listen, dont think i'm crazy. think i'm good. not well, but good.
father, son, holy spirit, amen.
Now I dont have your address. I guess maybe I never did have it. I've proof-read now, though. So I wouldnt send it anyway.