Sunday, November 22, 2009

Things I Don't Remember

Looking at that photo, I can't remember who I was. The unshapely, unkempt facial hair... the daze in my eyes, and the overgrown rim of black surrounding a miniscule hue of deep brown in my cornias; these things all were a mystery to the man now looking back at the mad eyed, half smiling, half exploding lunatic that I saw in that picture. I can't recall what he did on that particular weekend, or what was so fantastic about it. I can recall constantly shouting "DR. SCOTT!" at the stage, as some mindlessly bantering jam band emulated. It made a friend laugh, and at that point, I lived to make friends laugh.

Rewind two years to a photo my me smiling blindly, still at that time unkempt and wild looking, no more than 2 feet away from the camera. A friend is there with me. We look happier than I've felt since all of these things turned to memories. What were we feeling that night? Why do both of our smiles show such absolute purity in this one brief moment, and why do I not have the ability to reconnect?

I'll never forget travelling across the country in a van communicating with a stranger whom I had kissed once at that point, and would not see again for a month. Never again have I so interested another human being. Never again have I both been so encapsulated, and felt so adored by another person.

What's changed? Was it the drugs? Am I ill? Is this what growing up's supposed to be? It feels more like growing backwards. Communication is not so easy as it was once. I think I was outgoing once. For the life of me, I can't remember why.


willowchronicles said...

You stole my post you bastard. I havent felt like myself for so long that im beginning to think this isnt a phase or a funk but a new era. This is the new me and i dont like it. For me it almost feels like reverse puberty. When i was younger i knew i was growing and i was so happy to be like my dad. Now that i'm 26 im still growing to be like my dad and i hate it. I can feel myself shutting down and becoming weird, guarded, critical, and paranoid. My loneliness triggers my paranoia and my paranoia fuels my loneliness and justifies it. I hate it yet i feel like there is nothing i can do about it, just like puberty.

My Idea of Fun said...

sorry! didn't mean to, although it's really nice to be able to read and relate. Isn't it terrible that we're so often led to believe that passing puberty gets us away from the confusion? By the way, your blog is really neat.