Keep your head up. I know it's tough to do simetimes, but it's the only thing we can do, you know? I almost gave up a lot of times when I was really young. I woke up every morning and I didn't want to get outta the bed. When I finally did I would just go to work at the grocery store and then after I would go to my friends' house. We would all drink a lot, that's just what we did. I would talk about how everyone at the store was so demeaning to me and how they would roll their eyes sometimes. I would get so drunk that I would have to be carried home most times. I kept hoping that I would drink so much that I wouldn't wake up the next day. I iintentionally tried to do that a couple times.
Then I got pregnant. It was just to some guy, Dennis. He had big shoulders that I loved. He told me the things that a teenage girl like me needed to hear, about how he was going to take care of me and I wouldn't have to worry about the things I was worrying about. Then one day, I went over to his apartment and he wasn't there. His landlord said she didn't know where he went. I haven't heard a word from him. I was scared at first, I didn't know who to turn to. I didn;t know how was I was going to raise him, but when he came into this world, it changed me. That was 20 years ago this December. And now I can't imagine my life being any different. I was happy after having Paul. It was hard doing it on my own, but he's a good boy and never gave me much trouble. He's moved to Pittsburgh now, going to college at Chatham on a partial scholarship for film. He loves movies. I really miss him being around, but I'm so proud of him.
I guess I';m just trying to say that it's not all bad. There are peaks and valleys on the wave that our life is on, and we just have to ride them out. Having Paul changed my life, and something like that can change yours, too. Don't be sad lol, your life can change for the better in an instant. You don't have to be lonely, because there are people all around you. and they all want to see you smile, I know I do :)
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
a year
i'm days from this wish and when it happened i wasn't accepting. i feel after that, and then after that, and then this that i've rolled over to something so simple---the vigor and intent to create and place him into new atmospheres...whatever is the most pleasing and full and experimental and intense and happy.
fall days. it's happening. i know i can call him to meet me on the highest hill but when he arrives there's no recognizable look on his face. i keep calling and i keep waiting and he'll always be ready to meet me, but never all the way. probably never.
Living Alone by H. Donald Cabinet
It's morning, finally. I methodically reverse my Honda Accord into a bewilderingly convenient parking space. The lot at work is crowded like opening night at The Globe, except for this one space. I step from the car, hit the central locking control, and--as I shut the door--realize that my keys remain in the ignition. I consider calling my mother, then see my cellular phone on the seat. My lights are still on. I recline impotently on the car next to me. Rest, rest, perturbed spirit.
The Separation of Church and Mate
So, this is what's going to happen
Five years from now, I'll be 25
I'm going to be somewhere not in Pennsylvania
Unless it's Philadelphia
I won't be in Scranton
but you will
Well, there or Arizona
Arid or humid?
I know you'll choose the latter
I probably won't be married because I still have ADD
and a line-up of crushes that could fill a broadsheet newspaper
You'll probably be involved
I'll still live with a roommate, but most likely alone
I'll fuck random men to fill the void
but you won't care because you won't know I still exist
I'll pass the hours writing history in action
and you'll be attempting to write the book you never publish
And then I'll get a call from your best friend
My original sin
He will ask if I will come to your wedding
And I will probably get choked up and wonder to whom
But I will still go
When I get there, I won't get lost
but I'll try
just to have an excuse not to see you happy
Hunting for parking will be a challenge I will make harder
And the entire time I'll recall the instances I tried to tell you your worth
Maybe today when you see all the people packed in pews you'll finally be convinced
I mean, there's no goddamn parking, and I've been driving seven blocks
Audis and Mercedes
When did you start associating with people like this?
When I finally enter, I see unfamiliar faces -- except your mother's
She nods and shoots a warm, tender smile in my direction
Really, I think it's out of sympathy
I secretly know she hated you when you decided I was no longer the one
Finally, the ceremony will start
I will see her come through the cherrywood doors
And I'll sigh because she's not as beautiful of a bride as you deserve
Or maybe this is what you get for making two years of my life undateable
because all I could think about was you and coffee sleeves and the gardenia-filled gazebo near the pond when you said, "This is where we'll get married."
I look at her and all I can do is fight the urge to exclaim my hate
...or my regret
For not taking you back when you asked
For dropping the goodbye cake
For ever doubting you'd wind up like this in the first place
But you look happy
and for that I feel content
I know if you look at me for one second
I will immediately feel a rush of blood to the place it counts
My heart, of course.
(But OK, maybe there, too)
But instead I will race out to beat the traffic of cars
driven by people I don't know
and probably don't want to
Five years from now, I'll be 25
I'm going to be somewhere not in Pennsylvania
Unless it's Philadelphia
I won't be in Scranton
but you will
Well, there or Arizona
Arid or humid?
I know you'll choose the latter
I probably won't be married because I still have ADD
and a line-up of crushes that could fill a broadsheet newspaper
You'll probably be involved
I'll still live with a roommate, but most likely alone
I'll fuck random men to fill the void
but you won't care because you won't know I still exist
I'll pass the hours writing history in action
and you'll be attempting to write the book you never publish
And then I'll get a call from your best friend
My original sin
He will ask if I will come to your wedding
And I will probably get choked up and wonder to whom
But I will still go
When I get there, I won't get lost
but I'll try
just to have an excuse not to see you happy
Hunting for parking will be a challenge I will make harder
And the entire time I'll recall the instances I tried to tell you your worth
Maybe today when you see all the people packed in pews you'll finally be convinced
I mean, there's no goddamn parking, and I've been driving seven blocks
Audis and Mercedes
When did you start associating with people like this?
When I finally enter, I see unfamiliar faces -- except your mother's
She nods and shoots a warm, tender smile in my direction
Really, I think it's out of sympathy
I secretly know she hated you when you decided I was no longer the one
Finally, the ceremony will start
I will see her come through the cherrywood doors
And I'll sigh because she's not as beautiful of a bride as you deserve
Or maybe this is what you get for making two years of my life undateable
because all I could think about was you and coffee sleeves and the gardenia-filled gazebo near the pond when you said, "This is where we'll get married."
I look at her and all I can do is fight the urge to exclaim my hate
...or my regret
For not taking you back when you asked
For dropping the goodbye cake
For ever doubting you'd wind up like this in the first place
But you look happy
and for that I feel content
I know if you look at me for one second
I will immediately feel a rush of blood to the place it counts
My heart, of course.
(But OK, maybe there, too)
But instead I will race out to beat the traffic of cars
driven by people I don't know
and probably don't want to
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